


Those Things Unspoken

by foggynelson



Series: Reflections of the Light [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, autistic saphael is everything to me tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-10 19:27:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7002325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggynelson/pseuds/foggynelson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he finishes the story, Simon is looking at him with the sweetest smile, his face full of love and Raphael wants to cry. This happens sometimes. Sometimes he looks at Simon and remembers that they’re dating, that they’re in love, that Simon is his, and it’s too much for Raphael. He still can’t believe it. Sometimes he expects to wake up one night and discover this had all been a dream. Which would hurt, a ton, but Raphael would be grateful to have experienced this love in any form.</p>
<p>aka Simon has a nonverbal episode and Raphael does what we can to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Those Things Unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> I hadn't planned on doing anymore in this verse, but I made a post about Simon going nonverbal and someone asked for a fic so here we are.

The sun is close to rising when Simon steps inside the Dumort. Raphael instantly senses him and smiles to himself as he makes his way to main room. He meets Simon there who proceeds to walk up to Raphael and wrap his arms around him. Raphael is tense for a split second before softening into Simon’s touch, wrapping his own arms around his boyfriend.

They stay like this for awhile. Raphael doesn’t mind and leaves the decision to break the hug up to Simon. He eventually does let go and takes a step back. He looks at Raphael and opens his mouth to speak. Only nothing comes out. He says nothing. Raphael doesn’t think much of it as Simon sometimes does this, changing his mind last minute on how exactly he wants to word his latest ramble.

It happens a few more times, though. Simon opening his mouth and closing it without saying anything. There’s a pained expression on his face at this point and Raphael starts to worry that something is wrong. He reaches out and touches Simon’s bicep and Simon jumps away from the touch. Okay. Something is definitely wrong.

“What’s going on, baby?” Raphael questions, doing his best to have his voice be soft, smooth, full of love. 

Simon opens and closes his mouth another three times before shaking his head vigorously. He looks down and pulls his phone out of his pocket. He proceeds to type something into it and Raphael watches him. Simon hands over the phone a moment later and Raphael reads:

‘It appears my autistic ass got sick of the sound of my own voice and doesn’t want me talking anymore. I don’t get nonverbal episodes too often and they generally don’t last long. I’m sorry.’

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Raphael tells him. He lifts his hand to reach out to him again but quickly puts it back down at his side. “I’m sorry, Simon. I know how hard this can be.” And Raphael does.

Growing up, Raphael had a lot of nonverbal episodes. It was hard because he had no idea what was going on - why suddenly he just couldn’t speak. He’d try to and he’d try, but he couldn’t. His mother and his teachers would grow frustrated with him, thinking he was just trying to defy them. He wasn’t. He really wasn’t trying to do anything at all, just talk. Only he couldn’t.

Things got better as he grew older. It happened much less frequently and wouldn’t last as long. Raphael still couldn’t explain what it was until years and years after becoming a vampire. He cried when he first read about it, his blood tears staining the book in his hands. It meant so much to understand what was going on; to learn that he wasn’t stupid or bad or anything similar. 

He can remember his last episode so vividly. He was at a meeting with other vampire clan leaders. Camille hadn’t wanted to come and sent Raphael in her stead. Raphael had begged Lily to come as his second, which turned out to be the best decision.

The whole evening was a nightmare. It started out calm, but quickly things escalated. People were screaming and fighting and Raphael kept trying and trying to bring everyone back down, but no matter what he said no one cared, no one listened. Everything was so loud and sharp and painful and it hit a point where when Raphael opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out. 

He didn’t even realize what was happening at first, just cleared his throat and tried again. Still nothing. Raphael tried a few more times, but it didn’t change. He knew it wouldn’t. He could feel Lily’s eyes on him and he turned to her. He opened his mouth to explain what was going on before he remembered he couldn’t.

He wrote a small message to her on the pad of paper in front of him. ‘Can’t speak. Sorry. Please take over. Explain later.’ With that, Raphael left. He made his way back to the hotel, moving as fast as he could. He locked himself in his room and cried. He felt weak. He told himself over and over again that it wasn’t his fault, that he wasn’t a bad person or a bad leader, but he felt sick to his stomach.

Raphael paced around his room, moving quickly. He couldn’t stop moving. He strummed his fingers, jumped around, tapped his foot. Eventually he sat down and rocked back and forth. He mouthed the names of his mother and his brothers over and over again as he swayed.

When Lily came back a few hours later, Raphael had managed to calm himself and his voice had returned. The first word he had spoken was his mother’s name and it made him smile as he continued to say it over and over again. 

Lily knocked on his door and Raphael let her in. “You okay?” she asked and Raphael nodded. He was okay. Raphael motioned for her to enter and Lily stepped into the room. She sat on the edge of his bed and Raphael proceeded to tell her everything. It’s the first time Raphael’s told someone other than his mother about his autism. Lily doesn’t say anything as Raphael spoke. 

Raphael had no idea what to expect. Part of him thought Lily would laugh, tell him he’s an idiot and just walk off. Instead, when Raphael finished, Lily smiled and thanked him. She _thanked him_ for trusting her so much. Standing up, Lily opened her arms to Raphael and Raphael hugged her. He’s not hugged many people outside of his family, but here in Lily’s arms, Raphael felt safe and loved.  


* * *

  
They’ve moved into Raphael’s room and sit on his bed. They’re not touching, but they are close. Raphael’s been hesitant to say anything or do anything. The last thing he wants is to do the wrong thing and upset Simon even more. So he decides to ask. Which seems simple enough, but the idea doesn’t come naturally to Raphael.

“What can I do?” he questions, turning and facing Simon. Simon takes a moment before typing on his phone.

‘Talk to me,’ it says. So Raphael does. He starts off by talking about the paperwork he had to finish off today. He mentions how he missed Simon while he was off with his Shadowhunter friends and how he wishes he could have joined them this time. Simon smiles at this and Raphael smiles in return, looking down.

Raphael pauses now. He doesn’t know what else to talk about. He’s not used to this. Even when he’s info dumping to Simon, Simon is always replying, asking questions, keeping the conversation going. It feels so weird, so unnatural to not have Simon’s voice with him. He misses it. 

But that’s okay. Raphael decides to tell Simon about his last nonverbal episode. He watches Simon’s face closely, his expressions changing as slightly as he speaks. He can’t totally read and understand each little move his face makes, but it’s comforting still. There’s one point where Simon opens his mouth to speak before obviously remembering he can’t. 

When he finishes the story, Simon is looking at him with the sweetest smile, his face full of love and Raphael wants to cry. This happens sometimes. Sometimes he looks at Simon and remembers that they’re dating, that they’re in love, that Simon is his, and it’s too much for Raphael. He still can’t believe it. Sometimes he expects to wake up one night and discover this had all been a dream. Which would hurt, a ton, but Raphael would be grateful to have experienced this love in any form.

Raphael takes a moment to compose himself, taking deep breathes, before smiling brightly at Simon. He starts to talk about his mother. They’ve talked about her before, but this is one subject that Raphael can talk about always. He recalls past memories, the way she would help him through any and everything, the way she looked when she smiled. 

Somewhere amidst this, Simon slips his hand into Raphael’s, locking their fingers together. Raphael has to stop speaking, the touch surprising him. He takes a sharp breath in (it’s embarrassing how often he breathes when he’s with Simon) before he continues on and talks more. He doesn’t even think, he just speaks, and the words flow out of him. 

Raphael’s not sure how helpful this is. He wishes he could talk about things that interest Simon. He wishes he could talk about comics and movies and musicals, but instead Raphael falls back into talking about his own special interest. Simon doesn’t seem to mind, though, as a smile is alway wide on his face.

So Raphael keeps talking and talking. It’s early and Raphael is tired, but that doesn’t matter. He’ll happily stay up all night if he needs to. He’ll stay up for days. Whatever it takes for Simon to feel better. For Simon to feel safe and loved and cared for. That’s all Raphael wants.

He doesn’t mean to tell him this, but he does. “I want you to feel safe,” he says somewhere in the middle of his ramble on the piano. The words come out of nowhere and Simon’s eyebrows furrow at them. 

“Sorry,” Raphael quickly whispers. “I just… This is so stupid but… I hated myself for so long, Simon. Even before I was a vampire, I knew there was something wrong with me, something that was different. I hated it. I hated me. When I found autism it was a big deal because I finally understood why I am the way I am but… it didn’t change anything. And I still hated that part of me for so, so long.

“And the thought of you, my beautiful sunshine, feeling anything similar hurts me so much. I love all that you are. I’m not good at this. You’re much better than I am at this thing. All I want is for you to know how much I love you and how I’ll do anything I can to make sure you feel that love.”

Raphael coughs and clears his throat. He glances quickly at Simon and he knows - he knows Simon wants to say something. Raphael is grateful that he can’t. He doesn’t need a reply. He just needed Simon to know that.

“Anyway, as I was saying about the piano…” Raphael jumps back into the previous conversation and goes on.  


* * *

  
This lasts for a couple hours in total. By the end, Raphael’s voice has slowed down, the words not flowing as quickly and sharp as they were before. He pauses at one point, trying to think of what to talk about next.

He’s looking down when he hears, “Thank you.” Simon’s voice is so small and the words shake a bit. Raphael looks up, surprised at the sound. He smiles. Simon smiles back, sweet, soft. He proceeds to lean his head onto Raphael’s shoulder, shifting so they’re closer, bodies touching. 

“Can I kiss your forehead?” Raphael asks. It’s not normally something he needs to ask, but at times like this, he never wants to touch Simon more than he can handle. Simon nods. Raphael turns his head and kisses Simon’s forehead, the touch light.

He lifts his head some and still looking at Simon, says, “I love you.” Simon’s smile grows. He mouths the words back, ‘I love you too,’ but no sound leaves his lips this time. But that’s okay. Raphael doesn’t need to hear Simon say it. He feels it. He feels it deep within him, feels this love he never once thought he’d ever experience. But he is experiencing it. Raphael Santiago is so full of love. 

Raphael smiles and jumps back into talking. Eventually they lie down in the bed. Simon puts his arms around Raphael and Raphael does the same. Raphael continues to talk until Simon has fallen asleep. He watches him for a bit, smiling bright, before falling asleep himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading you guys are the best. Please let me know what you think and come talk to me on [tumblr](http://autisticraphael.tumblr.com/). And if you have any questions about any of the autistic aspects, feel free to ask!


End file.
